Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hippo gnu deer
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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