weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
