I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
