My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
