This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
