Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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