I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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