so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
