the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
