on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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