remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
