he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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