also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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