I CAN MOONWALK!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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