On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize