eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
