If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
