dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
