god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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