Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
