You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
