I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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