I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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