From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
