He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize