Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
