So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I have fence marks all over my body
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
