So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
