I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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