Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
