she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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