let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
