I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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