Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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