He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
