we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
