Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
