you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
