if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
