90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
