Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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