Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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