Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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