I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
