and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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