Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
