I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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