at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
