I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
