So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
