i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
