We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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