Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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