Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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