i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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