dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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