If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Im part way to drunk.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
