Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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