she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
