I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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