woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
