Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
