Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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