A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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