So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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