So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
